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The Hoppers' Holiday Classics

by The Hopper Brothers

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1.
If you came to be amazed then you came prepared! The action’s gonna get crazed but don’t be scared! The front row will get wet! You better beware! We’ll rock you in the face! The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face! The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face! We’ve come to rock! You’ve heard the hype! Do you get the point? We’re a big fucking deal! I’ll tell you once and I’ll tell you twice, And I’ll tell you again: I’m a crazy muthafucka! We’ll take Smarty Jones in a water slide race! The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face! Our grammar be perfectly well and we punched the Pope! We smell alpine fresh and we don’t use soap! Play third base for the Springfield Isotopes! We’ll rock you in the face! The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face! The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face! We’re made of gold and we drive big trucks! We don’t do shit, still make big bucks! Undefeated in Russian Roulette! Won the Indy 500 in my Chevette! You mortgage Baltic Ave, I got hotels on Park Place! The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face! Loaf like toads… Live life like lumps…. Lively living’s how the lively make their living… All my life… Leif loves loaves… Of whole leavened rye… Heaven heats the hearths and simmers the summers… And brings the water when it rains… Somebody gave ya more raisin! If you came to be amazed then you came prepared! The action’s gonna get crazed but don’t be scared! The front row will get wet! You better beware! We’ll rock you in the face! The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face! The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face! Fight fires with swords and we talk to monkeys! Taught George Clinton how to be funkin’ funky! Strong enough to lift Chris Christie! Bread chicken fingers til they’re light and crispy! Eat your McFillet and crap out Bouillabaisse! The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face!
2.
I wanna go for a walk. I wanna hold your hand. I wanna read you a story about a far away land. I wanna tie the knot. I wanna commit. I wanna buy you lots of gifts. I wanna keep you safe. I wanna keep you warm. I wanna write you songs. I wanna right your wrongs. I wanna buy you a house. I wanna settle down. And there’s only one reason cause Girl I wanna fuck you girl Girl I wanna fuck you girl I wanna spend some time And be Mr. Right. I wanna tell my friends I can’t hang out tonight. I wanna notice the fact that you dyed your hair. Which blouse were you planning to wear? I wanna pick out curtains. I wanna shop for shoes. I wanna meet your mom. I wanna wear a suit. I wanna spend my money on flowers and dumb shit. It’s just a function of evolution, baby! Girl. I wanna fuck you girl Girl I wanna fuck you girl Girl I wanna fuck you girl Girl I wanna fuck you girl
3.
Dance dance Ash Wednesday Dance dance Ash Wednesday Dance dance Ash Wednesday Dance dance Ash Wednesday Christ dropped in like an atom bomb Waving palms in Jerusalem. Meat on a Friday? Way uncool. Tell mom to pack you tuna for school. One day after Mardi Gras When the girls sober up and put on their bras. You can’t be pious when you’re flashing your tits, All my Presbyterians and Methodists. Dance dance When you go to the store Dance dance When you go to the school Dance dance When you go to the mall Dance dance You’ve got schmutz on your face ! Dance dance Ash Wednesday Dance dance Ash Wednesday Dance dance Ash Wednesday Dance dance Ash Wednesday Lent commences when you repent and lament. You fast til you're spent and your ass is asking, "Yo, can I last on just grass?"
4.
Drunk by now, Drunk by now, I’d like to be Drunk by now. I’d fly a kite Late and night, And ponder the mysteries Of wondrous flight. Then we’d screw In the dew On the grass In the nude. Drunk by now, Drunk by now, I’d like to be Drunk by now. Drunk by now, Drunk by now, I’d like to be Drunk by now. Every penny for my pocket, Lord, Is a penny for the poor. So won’t you see it in your heart Just to give a little more. Every penny for my pocket, Lord, Is a penny for the poor. So won’t you see it in your heart Just to give a little more. Give a little more! Drunk by now, Drunk by now, I’d like to be Drunk by now. Drunk by now, Drunk by now, I’d like to be Drunk by now.
5.
I! R! S! I! R! S! I! R! S! I! R! S! Steppin’ out da office of my C.P.A. Didn’t get my refund gots to pay today. Obamanomic Reaganomic Voodoo Economic Can’t tax the income on my homemade hydroponic I’m deducting like crazy and I don’t regret it. Writing off my babies with that Earned Income Credit. Epidemic hypertension, nobody relaxes, Cause the only thing that’s certain is death and taxes! I! R! S! I! R! S! I! R! S! I! R! S! Sold my Benz bought a Chevy sold my house bought a shack. Selling dimes, steady overtime to make up what I lack. Got the dollars and cents To pay your expense Accounts, not an ounce But pounds and pence Cause if you thought they bought it, they caught it by audit. To tha playas, the haters, And all the tax evaders: Don’t wait later Than the due date or You’re a chump procrastinator. Willie Nelson! I! R! S! I! R! S! I! R! S! I! R! S!
6.
Momma I’m just calling to say I’m well. How’s business? How’s the government? How’s the weather? How’s your health? How’s prison? I hope its swell. Say hello to your bunkmates When you return to your cell Don’t ya know That things are gonna be alright. Don’t ya know We’re breaking you out tonight. Don’t ya know Things are gonna be just fine. Don’t ya know They might let you off with a fine. Momma I’m just calling to say a lot. The screws tossed the cells, And they didn’t find meth in your cot. Are you clean, or are you not? Thank God you’re off of the hard stuff. At least you can still smoke pot. Don’t ya know That things are gonna be alright. Don’t ya know We’re breaking you out tonight. Don’t ya know Things are gonna be just fine. Don’t ya know They might let you off with a fine. (Momma’s in the jail house Momma’s in the big house Momma’s in the the pokey Momma’s up the river Momma’s in the prison In the penitentiary Momma’s in the cooler In the penal colony Momma’s in the lockup Momma’s in confinement Momma’s in the dungeon Momma’s in the clink now Momma’s in detention Cooped up in Shawshank Maximum security correctional facility) Momma I’m just calling to say we’re screwed. Someone told the warden that you put paint in his food. Who be snitchin’? That’s downright rude. We brought you a sharpened toothbrush, so you can go shank that dude. Don’t ya know That things are gonna be alright. Don’t ya know We’re breaking you out tonight. Don’t ya know We’re gonna find that dirty snitch. Don’t ya know We’re gonna make that bitch wish she didn’t exist. (Momma’s in the jail house Momma’s in the big house Momma’s in the the pokey Momma’s up the river Momma’s in the prison In the penitentiary Momma’s in the cooler In the penal colony Momma’s in the lockup Momma’s in confinement Momma’s in the dungeon Momma’s in the clink now Momma’s in detention Cooped up in Shawshank Maximum security correctional facility) Don’t ya know Things are gonna be just fine. Don’t ya know You’re the queen of toilet wine. Don’t ya know We found a lawyer on T.V. Don’t ya know His first consultation is free.
7.
Happy Flag Day
8.
Before I was born my dad left town. It was rough growing up without a man around. “He’s a deadbeat dad” said the other kids. But my dear old grammy told me what he really did. He’s a secret agent for the C.I.A. He didn’t want to leave but he just couldn’t stay. He’s out there now, protecting our freedoms. Someday he’ll return and I’ll get to meet him. My dad can beat up anybody’s dad. He’s so big and bad now. Don’t you make him mad now. My dad can beat up anybody’s dad. He plays guitar for Styx now. He plays center for the Knicks now. The other kids’ dads were at the barbecue, Mine was makin’ peace between the Arabs and the Jews. When the other kids were learning how to shave, My dad was fightin’ squid in an underwater cave. The other kids’ dads join the PTA, Mine covered up who shot JFK The other kids would taunt me over and over and over again Because my dad took a club to Nancy Kerrigan. My dad can beat up anybody’s dad. He’s the King of France now. He taught Madonna how to dance now. My dad can beat up anybody’s dad. Killed a tiger with his glance now. He invented pants now. My dad can beat up anybody’s dad. He never lost at craps now. Dropped an A-bomb on the Japs now. My dad can beat up anybody’s dad. He came up with the answer. He used AIDS to cure cancer. My dad’s a bear.
9.
Old King George Wanted to keep us down By taxing the tea, By taxing the booze. Peaceful means Had only brought prolonged strife. They sold all our cotton. The stamp act was rotten, As was the Massacre in Boston. Gloria On July fourth, seventeen hundred and seventy six, a gaggle of transvestites gathered in Philadelphia’s Independence Hall, also known as Uncle Jubel’s house of pancakes and Funtime Bordello, so that they could sign the Declaration of Independence. By the fire Sat the man on the two dollar bill Penning self-evident truths And banging his slaves. He wrote “All men Have certain unalienable rights” Except for the blacks, The gays, and the broads, And a few other groups. Gloria The Declaration of Independence would spell out in no uncertain terms that all men should be free to pursue life, liberty, and happiness, and talk unlimited on any calling circle they chose. It’s about freedom! It’s about choice! It’s about allowing huge corporations to merge into domineering oligopolies which, unfettered, could crush competition and force consumers to abide by their every self-serving whim in the hopes that they’d be too distracted by MTV’s slate of reality programming to notice. Happy Independence Day, America.
10.
Halal atcha boy! It’s the happy healthy holy month of Ramadan When the blessed angel Gabriel revealed the Koran. Oh baby oh baby Mohammed was super psyched. Oh baby oh baby Eat a date. Stay up late. Whoo hoo hoo All throughout the thirty days of Ramadan We can only feed our faces between dusk and dawn. Oh baby oh baby Just as soon as the sun goes down Oh baby oh baby We’ll feast. There’ll be lots to eat. Whoo hoo hoo Everybody knows it’s goes along with the lunar calendar. Everybody knows it goes at a different time every year. Everybody knows it goes. Everybody knows it shows. All throughout our day we thought Iftar would never come. Whoo hoo hoo We’ll read Koranic verses during Ramadan. On the Night of Power, it’s a marathon. Oh baby oh baby Remove your shoes at the mosque. Oh baby oh baby We’ll pray each and every day. Whoo hoo hoo Everybody knows it goes in Mecca and Medina. Everybody knows it goes in the 9th month of the year. Everybody knows it goes. Everybody knows it shows. It’s haraam, it’s verboten so let’s serve Halal for all. Whoo hoo hoo We celebrate this awesome month of Ramadan. With former Houston Rocket Hakeem Olajuwon. Oh baby oh baby Check out his fade away J. Oh baby oh baby That fake was called the Dream Shake. Whoo hoo hoo
11.
Now we rise With the sun. Summer was nice while it lasted but summer is done. Did my homework. Aced the test. I’m leaving other children behind. I’m better than the rest. I’m the best. My report card Is all As. And my extracurriculars could go on for days. I’m a mathlete. I’m a nerd. I’ll knock you out of the bee Before you even spell a word. Now we rise With the sun Summer was nice while it lasted But summer is done.
12.
I’m like nuclear meltdown On top of plague. I’m a nervous breakdown, And you make minimum wage. I’m a night at a party When all the guests are nerds. I’m your debut on Broadway And you forget the words. I’m in your skin. I feel like beetles feel. Your spine is mine. The fear you feel is real uh huh. I’m your daughter’s wedding, And the kegs run dry, And it’s Superbowl Sunday, And the T.V. is fried. I’m a night at a party Where it’s been overheard That you clogged up the potty With a magnificent turd. I’m in your skin. I feel like beetles feel. Your spine is mine. The fear you feel is real uh huh. I’m a nasty raccoon With angry upturned eyebrows. I’m spitting out my rabies juice at you. You foam at the mouth, Go after playful children. The A.S.P.C.A. will put you down. Then I connect string About your knees and elbows And play your lifeless corpse like a marionette. I make you sing songs, And dance for playful children, All the while reminding them about the dangers of smoking.
13.
The dark of the Autumn is here. Election time Cause it’s a leap year. Let’s send a message this time. We’ll hit the polls And throw the bums out. Republicans are ignorant And the Democrats are weak, That’s why I’m voting for Grandma. That’s why I’m voting for… (That’s why I’m writing in!) That’s why we’re voting for Grandma.
14.
Thursday evening, late November, The family is all gathered round. The children sing, it’s such a happy sound. That turkey must weigh over thirty pounds. This Thanksgiving, we’ll remember The people and the loved ones that we know, The blessings that the good Lord has bestowed. Something wiggled in the gravy boat. Mealworms in the gravy. Massengill in the wine. I just bit down on a hypodermic needle. I’m reasonably sure it’s not mine. The ones we hold so nearly and dearly Praise us in a manner most sincerely. Suddenly my stomach’s feeling queerly. There’s an ear floating in my beerly. Mealworms in the gravy. Puss in the potatoes A band-aid for some texture. <Benny gags> Mealworms bring real germs. We’ll feel burned and we’ll squirm. Jules Verne’ll drink eel sperm When we’ll learn of mealworms. The cranberry sauce infused with swine flu. My Grammy said she’s trying something new. She served us up her diaper fondue With all the hair from the neighborhood Jew. Nestled deep in the stuffing Lurks an unidentified thing. Don’t tell me that it is nothing. It looks like a tampon string. We’ve got meal worms in the gravy. Rat turds on the pie. The turkey smells like the North Jersey coastline. Pass me a leg and a thigh.
15.
I know a boy called Jesus Born in late December season. I can’t recall of which year In the early 80’s I’d reason. Though his name is Jesus Christ, He’s not the one you think. This guy works at Payless, And he likes graphic novels. He looks good in earth tones. He’s the online champ in Boggle. His soda’s grape, And Cod’s his Cape. His timeshare starts in May. He’s not named after the Son of God. His name came to him from his mom. He’s named after his great uncle, his great uncle Jesus. We’re still friends on Facebook. Jesus posts his hobbies. He took spin class To focus on his body. He gave up on Tae Bo, But he’d like to try Pilates He’s good at darts; He can parallel park; And he makes a mean grilled cheese.
16.
Well you came to be amazed and you came prepared. The action got a bit crazed but you weren’t scared. I tell you I’m quite impressed with how you fared. We rocked you in the face! Hey! The Hopper Brothers have rocked you in the face. The Hopper Brothers have rocked you in the face. We came to rock and we matched our hype And we proved our point: we’re a big fucking deal. If I told you once then I told you twice, And I’ll tell you again: I’m a crazy muthafucka. We’re the perfect gentlemen with style, poise and grace. Happy New Year, bitch, we rocked you in the face.

about

Each song on this album was inspired by a different holiday.

credits

released April 28, 2013

On this album you will hear the talents of the following artists:

Benny Hopper/Benn-E Hip-Hopper, Martin Hopper/mAr-10 Hip-Hopper, Emily Polhamus, Kurt the Sock, Benevenstanciano, Skeets La Fleur, The Harper Chambliss Quartet, Michael Jordan (not the basketball player), John Wayne (not the actor), Reince Priebus (not the chairman of the Republican National Commitee), Beyonce Knowles (not the mother of Blue Ivy), Boba Fett (not the ruthless galactic bounty hunter), and DJMC

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The Hopper Brothers Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Hey, folks!We're Benny & Martin Hopper, The Hopper Brothers: Family Friendly Fun for Fun With Your Family and Friends! We grew up in Glenside, PA under the watchful glass-eye of our Grandma. We like music, birds, bums and little wooden models that you glue together. Once Benny swallowed a quarter. Also, Martin started a Fish Hospital (a hospital for fish), but no fish sought treatment. ... more

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