The Hoppers' Holiday Classics

by The Hopper Brothers

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about

Each song on this album was inspired by a different holiday.

credits

released 28 April 2013
On this album you will hear the talents of the following artists:

Benny Hopper/Benn-E Hip-Hopper, Martin Hopper/mAr-10 Hip-Hopper, Emily Polhamus, Kurt the Sock, Benevenstanciano, Skeets La Fleur, The Harper Chambliss Quartet, Michael Jordan (not the basketball player), John Wayne (not the actor), Reince Priebus (not the chairman of the Republican National Commitee), Beyonce Knowles (not the mother of Blue Ivy), Boba Fett (not the ruthless galactic bounty hunter), and DJMC

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about

The Hopper Brothers Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Hey, folks!We're Benny & Martin Hopper, The Hopper Brothers: Family Friendly Fun for Fun With Your Family and Friends! We grew up in Glenside, PA under the watchful glass-eye of our Grandma. We like music, birds, bums and little wooden models that you glue together. Once Benny swallowed a quarter. Also, Martin started a Fish Hospital (a hospital for fish), but no fish sought treatment. ... more

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Track Name: Rock You in the Ano Nuevo (New Year's Day)
If you came to be amazed then you came prepared!
The action’s gonna get crazed but don’t be scared!
The front row will get wet! You better beware!
We’ll rock you in the face!

The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face!
The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face!
We’ve come to rock! You’ve heard the hype!
Do you get the point? We’re a big fucking deal!
I’ll tell you once and I’ll tell you twice,
And I’ll tell you again: I’m a crazy muthafucka!
We’ll take Smarty Jones in a water slide race!
The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face!

Our grammar be perfectly well and we punched the Pope!
We smell alpine fresh and we don’t use soap!
Play third base for the Springfield Isotopes!
We’ll rock you in the face!

The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face!
The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face!
We’re made of gold and we drive big trucks!
We don’t do shit, still make big bucks!
Undefeated in Russian Roulette!
Won the Indy 500 in my Chevette!
You mortgage Baltic Ave, I got hotels on Park Place!
The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face!

Loaf like toads…
Live life like lumps….
Lively living’s how the lively make their living…
All my life…

Leif loves loaves…
Of whole leavened rye…
Heaven heats the hearths and simmers the summers…
And brings the water when it rains…

Somebody gave ya more raisin!

If you came to be amazed then you came prepared!
The action’s gonna get crazed but don’t be scared!
The front row will get wet! You better beware!
We’ll rock you in the face!

The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face!
The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face!
Fight fires with swords and we talk to monkeys!
Taught George Clinton how to be funkin’ funky!
Strong enough to lift Chris Christie!
Bread chicken fingers til they’re light and crispy!
Eat your McFillet and crap out Bouillabaisse!
The Hopper Brothers will rock you in the face!
Track Name: A Function of Evolution (Valentine's Day)
I wanna go for a walk.
I wanna hold your hand.
I wanna read you a story
about a far away land.
I wanna tie the knot.
I wanna commit.
I wanna buy you lots of gifts.

I wanna keep you safe.
I wanna keep you warm.
I wanna write you songs.
I wanna right your wrongs.
I wanna buy you a house.
I wanna settle down.
And there’s only one reason cause

Girl
I wanna fuck you girl
Girl
I wanna fuck you girl

I wanna spend some time
And be Mr. Right.
I wanna tell my friends
I can’t hang out tonight.
I wanna notice the fact
that you dyed your hair.
Which blouse were you planning to wear?

I wanna pick out curtains.
I wanna shop for shoes.
I wanna meet your mom.
I wanna wear a suit.
I wanna spend my money
on flowers and dumb shit.
It’s just a function of evolution, baby!

Girl.
I wanna fuck you girl
Girl
I wanna fuck you girl

Girl
I wanna fuck you girl
Girl
I wanna fuck you girl
Track Name: Dance Dance (Ash Wednesday)
Dance dance
Ash Wednesday
Dance dance
Ash Wednesday
Dance dance
Ash Wednesday
Dance dance
Ash Wednesday

Christ dropped in like an atom bomb
Waving palms in Jerusalem.

Meat on a Friday? Way uncool.
Tell mom to pack you tuna for school.

One day after Mardi Gras
When the girls sober up and put on their bras.

You can’t be pious when you’re flashing your tits,
All my Presbyterians and Methodists.

Dance dance
When you go to the store
Dance dance
When you go to the school
Dance dance
When you go to the mall
Dance dance
You’ve got schmutz on your face !

Dance dance
Ash Wednesday
Dance dance
Ash Wednesday
Dance dance
Ash Wednesday
Dance dance
Ash Wednesday

Lent commences
when you repent and lament.
You fast til you're spent
and your ass is asking,
"Yo, can I last on just grass?"
Track Name: Drunk by Now (St. Patrick's Day)
Drunk by now,
Drunk by now,
I’d like to be
Drunk by now.

I’d fly a kite
Late and night,
And ponder the mysteries
Of wondrous flight.

Then we’d screw
In the dew
On the grass
In the nude.

Drunk by now,
Drunk by now,
I’d like to be
Drunk by now.

Drunk by now,
Drunk by now,
I’d like to be
Drunk by now.

Every penny for my pocket, Lord,
Is a penny for the poor.
So won’t you see it in your heart
Just to give a little more.

Every penny for my pocket, Lord,
Is a penny for the poor.
So won’t you see it in your heart
Just to give a little more.
Give a little more!

Drunk by now,
Drunk by now,
I’d like to be
Drunk by now.

Drunk by now,
Drunk by now,
I’d like to be
Drunk by now.
Track Name: The Ides of April (Tax Day)
I! R! S! I! R! S! I! R! S! I! R! S!

Steppin’ out da office of my C.P.A.
Didn’t get my refund gots to pay today.

Obamanomic Reaganomic
Voodoo Economic
Can’t tax the income on my homemade hydroponic

I’m deducting like crazy and I don’t regret it.
Writing off my babies with that Earned Income Credit.
Epidemic hypertension, nobody relaxes,
Cause the only thing that’s certain is death and taxes!

I! R! S! I! R! S! I! R! S! I! R! S!

Sold my Benz bought a Chevy sold my house bought a shack.
Selling dimes, steady overtime to make up what I lack.

Got the dollars and cents
To pay your expense
Accounts, not an ounce
But pounds and pence

Cause if you thought they bought it, they caught it by audit.

To tha playas, the haters,
And all the tax evaders:
Don’t wait later
Than the due date or
You’re a chump procrastinator.

Willie Nelson!

I! R! S! I! R! S! I! R! S! I! R! S!
Track Name: The Great Escape (Mother's Day)
Momma I’m just calling to say I’m well.
How’s business? How’s the government?
How’s the weather? How’s your health?

How’s prison?
I hope its swell.
Say hello to your bunkmates
When you return to your cell

Don’t ya know
That things are gonna be alright.
Don’t ya know
We’re breaking you out tonight.
Don’t ya know
Things are gonna be just fine.
Don’t ya know
They might let you off with a fine.

Momma I’m just calling to say a lot.
The screws tossed the cells,
And they didn’t find meth in your cot.
Are you clean, or are you not?
Thank God you’re off of the hard stuff.
At least you can still smoke pot.

Don’t ya know
That things are gonna be alright.
Don’t ya know
We’re breaking you out tonight.
Don’t ya know
Things are gonna be just fine.
Don’t ya know
They might let you off with a fine.

(Momma’s in the jail house
Momma’s in the big house
Momma’s in the the pokey
Momma’s up the river

Momma’s in the prison
In the penitentiary
Momma’s in the cooler
In the penal colony

Momma’s in the lockup
Momma’s in confinement
Momma’s in the dungeon
Momma’s in the clink now

Momma’s in detention
Cooped up in Shawshank
Maximum security
correctional facility)

Momma I’m just calling to say we’re screwed.
Someone told the warden that you put paint in his food.
Who be snitchin’? That’s downright rude.
We brought you a sharpened toothbrush, so you can go shank that dude.

Don’t ya know
That things are gonna be alright.
Don’t ya know
We’re breaking you out tonight.
Don’t ya know
We’re gonna find that dirty snitch.
Don’t ya know
We’re gonna make that bitch wish she didn’t exist.

(Momma’s in the jail house
Momma’s in the big house
Momma’s in the the pokey
Momma’s up the river

Momma’s in the prison
In the penitentiary
Momma’s in the cooler
In the penal colony

Momma’s in the lockup
Momma’s in confinement
Momma’s in the dungeon
Momma’s in the clink now

Momma’s in detention
Cooped up in Shawshank
Maximum security
correctional facility)

Don’t ya know
Things are gonna be just fine.
Don’t ya know
You’re the queen of toilet wine.
Don’t ya know
We found a lawyer on T.V.
Don’t ya know
His first consultation is free.
Track Name: One for Old Glory (Flag Day)
Happy Flag Day
Track Name: My Dad's a Bear (Father's Day)
Before I was born my dad left town.
It was rough growing up without a man around.
“He’s a deadbeat dad” said the other kids.
But my dear old grammy told me what he really did.

He’s a secret agent for the C.I.A.
He didn’t want to leave but he just couldn’t stay.
He’s out there now, protecting our freedoms.
Someday he’ll return and I’ll get to meet him.

My dad can beat up anybody’s dad.
He’s so big and bad now.
Don’t you make him mad now.
My dad can beat up anybody’s dad.
He plays guitar for Styx now.
He plays center for the Knicks now.

The other kids’ dads were at the barbecue,
Mine was makin’ peace between the Arabs and the Jews.
When the other kids were learning how to shave,
My dad was fightin’ squid in an underwater cave.

The other kids’ dads join the PTA,
Mine covered up who shot JFK
The other kids would taunt me over and over and over again
Because my dad took a club to Nancy Kerrigan.

My dad can beat up anybody’s dad.
He’s the King of France now.
He taught Madonna how to dance now.
My dad can beat up anybody’s dad.
Killed a tiger with his glance now.
He invented pants now.

My dad can beat up anybody’s dad.
He never lost at craps now.
Dropped an A-bomb on the Japs now.
My dad can beat up anybody’s dad.
He came up with the answer.
He used AIDS to cure cancer.

My dad’s a bear.
Track Name: Happy Birthday, America (Independence Day)
Old King George
Wanted to keep us down
By taxing the tea,
By taxing the booze.

Peaceful means
Had only brought prolonged strife.
They sold all our cotton.
The stamp act was rotten,
As was the Massacre in Boston.

Gloria

On July fourth, seventeen hundred and seventy six, a gaggle of transvestites gathered in Philadelphia’s Independence Hall, also known as Uncle Jubel’s house of pancakes and Funtime Bordello, so that they could sign the Declaration of Independence.

By the fire
Sat the man on the two dollar bill
Penning self-evident truths
And banging his slaves.

He wrote “All men
Have certain unalienable rights”
Except for the blacks,
The gays, and the broads,
And a few other groups.

Gloria

The Declaration of Independence would spell out in no uncertain terms that all men should be free to pursue life, liberty, and happiness, and talk unlimited on any calling circle they chose. It’s about freedom! It’s about choice! It’s about allowing huge corporations to merge into domineering oligopolies which, unfettered, could crush competition and force consumers to abide by their every self-serving whim in the hopes that they’d be too distracted by MTV’s slate of reality programming to notice. Happy Independence Day, America.
Track Name: The Rama-dama-ding-dan Sing-a-long (Ramadan)
Halal atcha boy!

It’s the happy healthy holy month of Ramadan
When the blessed angel Gabriel revealed the Koran.
Oh baby oh baby
Mohammed was super psyched.
Oh baby oh baby
Eat a date. Stay up late.
Whoo hoo hoo

All throughout the thirty days of Ramadan
We can only feed our faces between dusk and dawn.
Oh baby oh baby
Just as soon as the sun goes down
Oh baby oh baby
We’ll feast. There’ll be lots to eat.
Whoo hoo hoo

Everybody knows it’s goes along with the lunar calendar.
Everybody knows it goes at a different time every year.
Everybody knows it goes.
Everybody knows it shows.
All throughout our day we thought Iftar would never come.
Whoo hoo hoo

We’ll read Koranic verses during Ramadan.
On the Night of Power, it’s a marathon.
Oh baby oh baby
Remove your shoes at the mosque.
Oh baby oh baby
We’ll pray each and every day.
Whoo hoo hoo

Everybody knows it goes in Mecca and Medina.
Everybody knows it goes in the 9th month of the year.
Everybody knows it goes.
Everybody knows it shows.
It’s haraam, it’s verboten so let’s serve Halal for all.
Whoo hoo hoo

We celebrate this awesome month of Ramadan.
With former Houston Rocket Hakeem Olajuwon.
Oh baby oh baby
Check out his fade away J.
Oh baby oh baby
That fake was called the Dream Shake.
Whoo hoo hoo
Track Name: Pencils, Books, and Dirty Looks (The First Day of School)
Now we rise
With the sun.
Summer was nice while it lasted
but summer is done.

Did my homework.
Aced the test.
I’m leaving other children behind.
I’m better than the rest.

I’m the best.

My report card
Is all As.
And my extracurriculars
could go on for days.

I’m a mathlete.
I’m a nerd.
I’ll knock you out of the bee
Before you even spell a word.

Now we rise
With the sun
Summer was nice while it lasted
But summer is done.
Track Name: Trick or Treat (Halloween)
I’m like nuclear meltdown
On top of plague.
I’m a nervous breakdown,
And you make minimum wage.

I’m a night at a party
When all the guests are nerds.
I’m your debut on Broadway
And you forget the words.

I’m in your skin.
I feel like beetles feel.
Your spine is mine.
The fear you feel is real uh huh.

I’m your daughter’s wedding,
And the kegs run dry,
And it’s Superbowl Sunday,
And the T.V. is fried.

I’m a night at a party
Where it’s been overheard
That you clogged up the potty
With a magnificent turd.

I’m in your skin.
I feel like beetles feel.
Your spine is mine.
The fear you feel is real uh huh.

I’m a nasty raccoon
With angry upturned eyebrows.
I’m spitting out my rabies juice at you.
You foam at the mouth,
Go after playful children.
The A.S.P.C.A. will put you down.

Then I connect string
About your knees and elbows
And play your lifeless corpse like a marionette.
I make you sing songs,
And dance for playful children,
All the while reminding them about the dangers of smoking.
Track Name: Super Song for Super Tuesday (Election Day)
The dark of the Autumn is here.
Election time
Cause it’s a leap year.

Let’s send a message this time.
We’ll hit the polls
And throw the bums out.

Republicans are ignorant
And the Democrats are weak,
That’s why I’m voting for Grandma.

That’s why I’m voting for…
(That’s why I’m writing in!)
That’s why we’re voting for Grandma.
Track Name: Mealworms in the Gravy (Thanksgiving)
Thursday evening, late November,
The family is all gathered round.
The children sing, it’s such a happy sound.
That turkey must weigh over thirty pounds.

This Thanksgiving, we’ll remember
The people and the loved ones that we know,
The blessings that the good Lord has bestowed.
Something wiggled in the gravy boat.

Mealworms in the gravy.
Massengill in the wine.
I just bit down on a hypodermic needle.
I’m reasonably sure it’s not mine.

The ones we hold so nearly and dearly
Praise us in a manner most sincerely.
Suddenly my stomach’s feeling queerly.
There’s an ear floating in my beerly.

Mealworms in the gravy.
Puss in the potatoes
A band-aid for some texture.
<Benny gags>

Mealworms bring real germs.
We’ll feel burned and we’ll squirm.
Jules Verne’ll drink eel sperm
When we’ll learn of mealworms.

The cranberry sauce infused with swine flu.
My Grammy said she’s trying something new.
She served us up her diaper fondue
With all the hair from the neighborhood Jew.

Nestled deep in the stuffing
Lurks an unidentified thing.
Don’t tell me that it is nothing.
It looks like a tampon string.

We’ve got meal worms in the gravy.
Rat turds on the pie.
The turkey smells like the North Jersey coastline.
Pass me a leg and a thigh.
Track Name: Yule Know a Boy Called Jesus (Christmas)
I know a boy called Jesus
Born in late December season.
I can’t recall of which year
In the early 80’s I’d reason.

Though his name
is Jesus Christ,
He’s not the one you think.

This guy works at Payless,
And he likes graphic novels.
He looks good in earth tones.
He’s the online champ in Boggle.

His soda’s grape,
And Cod’s his Cape.
His timeshare starts in May.

He’s not named after the Son of God.
His name came to him from his mom.
He’s named after his great uncle, his great uncle Jesus.

We’re still friends on Facebook.
Jesus posts his hobbies.
He took spin class
To focus on his body.
He gave up on Tae Bo,
But he’d like to try Pilates

He’s good at darts;
He can parallel park;
And he makes a mean grilled cheese.
Track Name: Ano Nuevo Repriso (New Year's Eve)
Well you came to be amazed and you came prepared.
The action got a bit crazed but you weren’t scared.
I tell you I’m quite impressed with how you fared.
We rocked you in the face! Hey!

The Hopper Brothers have rocked you in the face.
The Hopper Brothers have rocked you in the face.
We came to rock and we matched our hype
And we proved our point: we’re a big fucking deal.
If I told you once then I told you twice,
And I’ll tell you again: I’m a crazy muthafucka.
We’re the perfect gentlemen with style, poise and grace.
Happy New Year, bitch, we rocked you in the face.